Drive-In Dust Offs: The (Sort of) Sordid Love Saga of JULIE DARLING

I wouldn’t say Julie Darling (1983) is an ideal film to watch on a first date. I wouldn’t say it would work for a ninth one either... unless you are using it as a litmus test to calibrate the weirdness of a potential partner, in which case it may be the perfect film to show. If they don’t enjoy it for the campy take on taboo family dynamics that it is, then maybe they don’t deserve to share in your snacks for life. 

Now, we’re not talking about A Serbian Film or Martyrs here, nor Salo or whatever works as your line in the sand; there is insinuation and not much more, but that insinuation? She’s a doozy. 

The film opens with a giant python slithering down a suburban staircase as the credits roll. Anthony Franciosa! Sybil Danning! Cindy Girling for you Meatballs-heads! The snake slides down to the breakfast table of the Wilding family: dad Harold (Franciosa), mom Irene (Girling), and teenage daughter who despises mom, Julie (Isabelle Mejias). Mom first admonishes Julie for using too much Quik powder in her milk (a fallacy; you cannot add too much powder), and when the snake–goes by the name of Petey– makes his entrance mom yells at Julie to get rid of it. She doesn’t listen until daddy chimes in with a gentle warning about letting Petey out; it’s very clear that this is the relationship between the parents and Julie–all her attention is given to dad, especially since the folks seem to be going through the dissolution of their marriage. 

Julie and dad go duck hunting, and they really do seem like best pals; meanwhile mom is dealing with new delivery guy Weston (Paul Hubbard), a young and dumb whippersnapper who rocks a Canadian tuxedo like nobody’s business. Weston takes an immediate liking to Irene, and when she asks him to exchange a case of Pepsi for Diet Pepsi, he happily agrees. (They go for product placement, so I may as well join in. Hi Pepsi! We drink both in our house. So. Shout out to the voice of a new generation. Pepsi. Send me.) 

Arriving the next day to find her alone again (unbeknownst to him Julie is upstairs with headphones on), Weston forces himself on Irene in the living room. Taking off her headphones, Julie hears her mom screaming, races for her rifle, and positions herself on the landing above with a clear shot at Weston. 

Which she doesn’t take. But that may have a lot to do with mom having Weston get rid of Petey behind Julie’s back. (I’m going to miss this piece when it’s done; will I ever have another chance to write the name Weston again?) 

Weston bangs her head lightly on the floor, causing her to go into a state of instant death. He gets up and runs from the house without a scratch, leaving Harold and Julie (well, mostly Harold) to grieve. 

In the next scene we see Harold and his new girlfriend Susan (Danning) looking at a house to move into with her, her son Dennis (Benjamin Schmoll), and Julie. She’s none too happy to meet Dennis or Susan especially, the new ‘competition’ for daddy’s affections, and makes her displeasure known to Harold. To no avail, of course. When the grownups come back and tell the kids that they got married (they’re really fast movers), Julie decides that’s the end of the road for Susan. 

From here the movie follows Weston and his exploits, which consist of scrounging for drugs in his grungy apartment and then hooking up with a sex worker. Perhaps ‘up’ is the wrong word to use, as Weston’s mind is more preoccupied with the murder he committed; a fight ensues with the worker, and her pimp (sorry, customer service representative) exchanges words and fists with Weston before the police haul them all downtown. 

Remarkably convenient plot twist ahead! The police call in Julie to check out a lineup of suspects, including you-know-who. She pretends she doesn’t recognize him and then follows him home. Julie blackmails Weston to kill her stepmom or else she’ll tell the cops he killed her real mom. What happens at the end of Julie Darling will shock and amaze you! Or it won’t, but you’ll still be highly amused! And if you’re not, why are you still reading?

Director/co-writer Paul Nicholas’ calling card was the film that directly followed this one, Chained Heat (1983), and it’s easy to see why. It’s a straight-up exploitation flick, filled with wall-to-wall nudity and sweatin’; Julie Darling never commits fully to the bit. (Except for some brief lovemaking with Danning and your grandma’s boyfriend, Tony “Red Hot” Franciosa.)

Perhaps Nicholas was afraid to push the biggest exploitation factor he had because he still wanted to make movies that could potentially make money. Julie isn’t sexualized herself, or presented as such; normal teenager attire on the modest side, frilly top and jeans, her armor throughout the film. Other than letting mom die, locking Dennis in an abandoned fridge (a staple of killer kids flicks; see Bloody Birthday), and hiring a hit on stepmom, her image has an innocence. Any harder push on the ‘daughter loves daddy’ ick stick would send him to the underground; but even the uncomfortableness of the idea alone is squirm-inducing, and I would hope that feeling would translate regardless of geography or time. 

So why have it? Well, jealous kids can be killers too. Remember Rhoda from The Bad Seed (1956)? She was a piece of work, and the killer kids taboo still goes on to this day in the movies. Julie Darling could have easily taken this path were it not for a couple reasons that crinkle the nose: Julie sees her dad and Susan making love and fantasizes it’s her instead, she spoons with him in bed, and he’s always kissing her on the lips. It’s unnerving. Maybe it’s an inside joke? 

If it is, no one told the cast. Everyone plays it straight, which is admirable considering the material; Danning is the MVP with a subdued and sympathetic stepmom–very different from her normal roles. Nicholas keeps things moving so eyebrow-raising themes don’t settle in as much as they could, and the plot keeps zigging instead of zagging that you appreciate what he has done instead of what he almost focused on. He’s not a visually curious director, but he doesn’t have to be when the script calls for wall-to-wall melodrama.

And that’s really what Julie Darling is: It’s a soap opera that’s gone too far and an exploitation film that holds back, yet gives the viewer enough weirdness and surprises to hold them. I’m still not sure it’s date material, but if they love it, you’d best put a ring on it. 

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Julie Darling is available on Blu-ray from Code Red.