Review: SPEED DEMON is a One-Way Ticket to Sleepytown

Can someone explain why a bad exorcism movie stings worse than your average, garden-variety horror stinker? Speed Demon sounded right up my alley—Speed on rails from the underworld? I've made a career out of sifting through batshit titles like Ouijageist, Bikini Bloodbath: Christmas, Bring It On: Cheer or Die in hopes an insane name might meet the lofty B-movie expectations promised, so I know how rarely that happens. Jon Keeyes' transportation exorcism flick is, unfortunately, just another tragic example of catchy marketing amounting to dull, pass-right-by genre drivel: high speeds, low energy, awful results.

Katie Cassidy stars as Sister Lu, an alcoholic, coke-sniffing, "badass" nun fighting back against the church's patriarchal standards. William H. Macy is Father Novak, Sister Lu's disappointed guardian who just wants to see her stop committing sins fueled by addiction and grief (daddy committed suicide). Together, they're traveling by train from Montreal to New York City, then hopping a flight to Rome. Er, or, at least that was the plan until a passenger accidentally becomes possessed by Asmodeus, commonly known as the King of Demons. Through a series of events, it's time for Sister Lu to finally step up, shake her bad habits, and prove to the Vatican that women can defeat unholy evils, too.

On paper, that all rules. In practice … yikes on bikes.

You'll get a sense for the film's low-budget inadequacies early on, when the North Ameristar leaves a completely digital station that looks as unnatural as you'd expect. Don't expect a production that can afford multiple locations! Nor can it digitally fake its way through exterior shots, kamikaze ravens, and a host of other environmental touches, all achieved in post-production. The only real sets seem to be the inside of the rocketing train, spaciously designed like an IKEA showroom, without a lick of cramped authenticity.

It's an off-putting introduction to a demonic story that has no juice. Writer Domenico Salvaggio takes swipes at organized religion, especially Catholic guilt, but the story's devoid of raised stakes or anything revolutionary to the exorcism subgenre. A guy jokingly called "Indian Jones" gets possessed—seemingly framed by his girlfriend of indeterminate length, for some reason—and Sister Lu has to vanquish Asmodeus to save a smattering of uninteresting patrons. There's Heart Condition Boyfriend, who keeps volunteering for strenuous tasks; an adorable child you don't want to die; the sassy businessman; yadda yadda. It's all so boilerplate, and it's not like the chug-a-lugging setting adds anything beyond a ticking-clock mechanic, since Asmodeus kills the driver and smashes the computer console.

Keeyes can't find the film's faint pulse, with actors slinking through scenes that lack any standout pop. I've seen Cassidy do tremendous work in the Arrowverse, yet, here, she's practically reading off a cue card for the first time. "Speed Demon" is the hook, yet there's no briskness to the pacing, nor does the demon present itself beyond mediocre cosmetic paint to denote possessed individuals. It's like Keeyes is stuck in neutral, unable to propel his tin can on wheels forward no matter how hard he tries. Scenes continue to be hindered by poor-quality effects or flat dialogue reads, not to mention a darkness that shades everything a dismal coat of bleh.

It's going for the shock-and-awe of Snakes on a Plane meets the intensity of Train to Busan, which is an insult to both comparisons. What horrors try to exist are bargain-rate, pointing back to the ho-hum nature of a demon who's camera shy. Salvaggio wants Speed Demon to be meaningful, tying Asmodeus to Sister Lu's past for some added revenge points, but any thrills must have exited at the last stop. Keeyes just doesn't have an eye for penetrating frights, especially with so few surprises along the journey. Themes of martyrdom, or psychological trickery attempted by Asmodeus, are child's play in comparison to better off-the-rails titles. This can't even compete with the horrors of being stuck in a sold-out economy car.

Speed Demon is the little engine that can't muster anything worth excitement. It's a slog and a half; ninety minutes spent wondering how much it cost to snag William H. Macy for a few minutes. I wish there was more of a budget to allow for on-location shooting or sock us with gnarly practical effects. The only race against time here is how quickly you'll be fighting sleep, defying the adage about how it's impossible to look away from a trainwreck.

Movie Score: 1.5/5